English Jokes(英语笑话)

       I forgot to shake the bottle  
        Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?
  Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.
  妈妈:你为什么不停地跳上跳下的?
  汤姆:我刚吃完药,可我忘了先摇动瓶子了。



Get the kid.


 A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.'
这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话,千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西,抬东西或者装东西时,他们就叫喊,“让小的干吧。”



他到底想借什么?


        Are you using you mower this afternoon?
        Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower this afternoon?
  Mr.Smith: Yes.
  Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it?
  约翰逊先生:今天下午你准备用割草机吗?
  史密斯先生:是的。
  约翰逊先生:太好了。既然您不用网球拍,那我可以借用一下吗?



所有的烟卷都会点着的


All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.
Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
  'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'
  'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.

  玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟,一天对他抱怨说:“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”
  “不用担心,亲爱的,所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。



A fine weapon to kill time


"Do you sing and play much?" a young man asked the pretty girl who was carelessly thrumming the keys of the piano.

"Only to kill time." she replied.

"You've got a fine weapon, I must admit." ventured the young man.
A funny thing
when i was a freshman in our university,one day,our new teacher want us to say sth about yourself then ,a student standed up, and said "i come from shandong ,and i want to learn more when im in university,and hope good ,good study ,day ,day up.then our teacher said it is chinese english, good,good study ,day day up is wrong sentence,then our teacher said there are so many people even said "i will give you color see see",how funny it is!!




Travel Expenses

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?"




向主保密

I don't want Him to know I'm here.'

  A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation. 
  After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. 'I'd rather not,', the clergyman said, ' I don't want Him to know I'm here.'

  一位著名牧师和他教区的几位老人出席城外会议直到天黑才开完会,他们打算在回家前吃点东西。但很不巧只有一家名声不好的下等酒吧烤菜馆开着门。
  饭后,一位老人要牧师祈祷。“我想我是免了,”牧师说。“我不想让主知道我在这里。”


否则他就该跟我借  Otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.

            Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?
   Jack: Certainly.
   Tom: And why?
   Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.

   汤姆:威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给他?   
            杰克:当然应该了。   
            汤姆:为什么?
   杰克:否则他就该跟我借了。




心不在焉的丈夫

I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.
  'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him.
  'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my husband confessed.

  我陪丈夫一起出差,他带着他的手提式计算机。机场出口处检查员要他打开包。他耐心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。  “你为什么那么紧张呢?”我问他。  “这密码是我们结婚纪念日。”他承认道。





还是太贵 It is still too much

An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shipman:' How much this stuff?'
     'Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap.' The lady said, 'It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.' 'I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.'
      'It is still too much,' replied the old lady, 'give it to me for five.'

   一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。   
         她问店员:“这东西要多少钱?”“七美元,太太,这是很便宜的。” 老太太说:“太贵了,十四美元差不多。”店员忙说:“我没说十七美元,是七美元。” “还是太贵,”老太太说:“五美元,我就买啦。”




Mom's here?

One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
  On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'
  My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'

  一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物,回来后发现车身沾满灰尘,于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊:“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”
  我丈夫抬头看了看,说:“妈妈来了?”





谁在打架
Who was fighting?


        Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red?
  Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight.
  Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?
  Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith.

  妈妈:弗雷迪,你的脸为什么那么红?
  弗雷迪:我刚才在大街上跑,为的是阻止一次打架?
  妈妈:你做的对,谁和谁在打架。
  弗雷迪:我和杰克·史密斯。


It was overdue
Your funny story was too overdue. i used to hear about it when i was just a middle school student. have you ever heard about this sentence: " we brother who and who"?
One more
P---patient D----doctor
P: Doctor, the medicine u gave me was of great help!!
D: Oh? How much do u have at a time?
P: None, but my uncle had them, now i'm his only heir!





I'm the doctor

     One morning in London, it was very cold, and many people caught a cold. They had to see the doctor, so there were many people in the doctor's waiting room. At the head of the line was an old woman. The woman did not live in London. She lived in Scotland. She came here to visit her daughter. She wanted to see the doctor because she got a cold and coughed day and night.
     "If I get there early, I can see the doctor quickly," she thought. So she was the first in the line.
     She sat nearest the doctor's door. An American came into the waiting room, and walked quickly to the doctor's door. The old woman thought he was a queue jumper. She stood up and took his arm slowly, she said," We were all here before you; you must wait for your turn. Do you understand?" The American answered," No, madam. You don't understand! You are all after me!? I'm the doctor!"




Best Restaurant

There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City.

        The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
      On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."




Collegiate Canine
 

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
...And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "
The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lying' son of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"


A Japanese Student in America
 

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Toshiba, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up".
Teacher says "who said that?".
Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991".
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well suck my c**k!" Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997".


The Good, Bad and Ugly
 

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
Poetry about Dicks



 

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